Gag Fiction
by tonbonkittybon
Summary: Lincoln issues a challenge: CREATE THE WORST STORY EVER.
1. Camp Bored

Oh dear. It happened. The boredom. That feeling during a long holiday when you feel like you've exhausted the entire list of fun things you planned on doing...

"Anyone got any more ideas on what we can do today?... I will literally take anything..."

"I could get a mustache and pretend to be _Hitler_-ious...Ah, poop, I already did that..."

"Heil Lederhosen, bruh...We're talking into corners now..."

The Loud House has always been known for being...loud. Whenever it goes silent, it's usually due to a hardship that it has to face. But this was...

"We could have a sports day... or a camping day..."

"Oh, we could have a family pageant and do the thing..."

"We did 77 things..."

...worse than they could have imagined. Lynn Sr and Rita were working late for this particular week, all their friends were gone, and none of the siblings planned for such a long stay home. The first two days were too good to be true. They shoved everything they wanted to do in the first 72 hours, then spent the next 3 making the basement over into the ultimate party cave, and 25 in a slumber party. And then it devolved from there.

To hour 122.

"Gah, this is ridiculous!" Lincoln rolled off the couch and slammed onto the floor next to the twins, "There has to be something to take our minds out of the bored chord!"

"Might I suggest an activity to stimulate the brain?" Lisa said, "Mental exercise tends to last longer than simple physical exercise."

"I'll stick with the muscles, thanks," Lana retorted.

"You know what?" Lincoln stood up, "I'm gonna go for a walk. I am tired of doing nothing."

"I'll come with," Lynn stretched and followed.

"K, don't be too long," Lori slumped off the couch and into the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" Luan asked.

"We need edible munchiuns, don't we-" pantry Lucy "-AAAAA!"

"Hello," Lucy waved.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Lori screamed.

"I needed somewhere private to focus on my poems," Lucy responded, "How's this one sound:

**I'm bored, so very bored.**

**It tugs on my heartstrings.**

**Please deliver a joyful chord.**

**I want to know what it brings.**"

Lori just pulled her out and shut the pantry door, "Just help me with lunch."

Lincoln and Lynn were sprawling across the park grass, "So bored...I'm dying..." They were so out of it that Lynn ended up rolling over into a mud puddle.

"Ahhhh, that's the stuff..." Lynn whispered.

"This doesn't make any sense," Lincoln thought, "We're never out of things to do. What happened?"

"We could pretend we're depressed and everything is not awesome?"

"That's this morning..."

"Prank day?"

"That's day 1."

"Storytelling."

"Last night."

"Roast?"

"All day every day."

"Fashion?"

"The heck!"

"*SIGH...* It's official..." Lynn gave up, "We've done everything we wanted to do... and the holiday ain't even over yet..."

They were about to sleep when they noticed a certain someone running down sidewalk pathway. And that started to get them drifting off into a weird tangent.

"Heheh...those clouds..." Lynn grinned.

"Yeah...they look like a little something that he never had to go into the entire time..."

"Uh, where did that come from?..."

"I dunno. I'm just spitballing," Lincoln muttered.

"Hey, think of the weirdest thing that someone said to you."

"Hmm...someone compared you all to Hitler."

"Oh dear god. Who would be blind enough to do that?"

"I dunno. Probably someone who doesn't believe in redemption, second chances...or character development for that matter. Why do people demand absolute perfection?"

"Probably because they're looking for that one perfect thing of absolute perfection. I swear they've gone rabid with HERE'S MY CONDITIONS NOW MEET ALL OF THEM type thing."

"Blugh...gonna make a bad story."

"Worse than Mom's first ever novel?"

"Lynn, come on!"

"You were thinking it too."

"Not in that context!"

Back home, the remaining sisters managed to conjure up a very...very...large lunch.

"Wow," Luna commented, "Won't Dad be floored by all this."

"Maybe you need to dip into the food industry," Luan said.

"I guess, but why?" Lori asked before realizing what she asked, "Guh-Wait-I didn't-"

"You could list this as one of your major _feasts _and accomplishments!" Luan nailed her to the post, "Hahahahahaha, get it?"

Everyone groaned, except the twins and Lily, who gave off a small giggle.

#notakebacks

Just when they were about to dig in did they hear the front door opening.

To their absolute horror, they heard a exchange from Lynn and Lincoln vastly different from their usual banter:

"But what if Raava and Vaatu shot each other down?"

"I think that's it for the world. No reason to continue writing, just-PSJLWSHSHSH! End it now."

"They said the beloveeeeed..." Luan creaked.

"Hey, you two!" Lori called, "Lunch time!"

Even lunchtime was infected with the boredom. Everyone just ate in silence, except Lily, who found solace in sticking her noises in a fan. And Luan, who had overheard Lynn and Lincoln's recent conversation.

"So, Lynn," Luan broke the silence, "What were you two doing out there?"

"Oh, just talking."

"About..."

"Stories. Just stories."

"Uh...huuuuh..."

"You really didn't try to make up a new sport?" Luna asked.

"With this sweaty must and heat...I wouldn't, either," Lola said.

"Oh no, we just went off on a massive tangent," Lincoln said.

"Yeah? And what was that tangled thing about?"

"Stories...just, how much effort it takes to write a bad story."

"Whoa," Lucy said, "That is a shock indeed. What would bring up this notion?"

"Just curious," Lincoln answered, "We blab about our everyday adventures all the time. But what makes them good? And bad?"

"Well, I would think a bad story would be riddled with grammatical errors and inconsistent sentence structure," Lisa said.

"But it could still have redeeming qualities, like a decent plot," Lucy countered, "What would it take to make something...eye-gougingly bad?"

Everyone took a moment to think.

"Huh...I guess writing a really bad story takes more effort than I thought," Luna said.

"Pretty sure I can cook up a bad story right now," Lola said, "like a dog gaining magical powers to save the world through butt sniffs and tail pokes."

"Ah, but that idea, however random and convoluted, is salvageable," Lucy said, "What would it take to hit rock bottom?"

"Deadpool in the Twilight Zone?" Lincoln quipped.

"Ha, that's way too clever to be bad!" Lori snickered.

"What if he was an extra-gloomy person?" Lana suggested.

"Ooh, assassinating a character's character. Nice."

"That," Lucy added, "and excessive cussing, to an unrealistic degree."

"Cliches!" Lincoln piped, "We need some cliches that are overused."

"A Mary Sue is always helpful."

"Oh, I have a wicked one in mind," Luna grinned, "How about that Mary Sue person swoops into the story and drives the main character so bonkers that he becomes that Sue?"

"That's actually a very difficult premise to make atrocious."

And the rest of the day was spent talking about what makes a bad story.

Later that evening, their parents came home very tired, as usual. But instead of putting up with the same catastrophic noise like usual, this time they were being treated to a peaceful night, with leftovers from lunch and a nice massage (or what Lynn considers a nice massage). Lynn Sr took full advantage of the relaxed atmosphere of the evening, but Rita knew better than to trust this happening at face value. She called the children downstairs right before bedtime.

"Did something happen at work again, Mom?" Lincoln asked.

"Was it another freshly ripped tooth?" Lana piped.

"No, and no," Rita said, "It's about what you kids are doing now...what's on your mind?"

"We just thought you needed the extra relaxation," Luna said, "Ain't nothing wrong with that, right?"

"Honey, none of us are not loud," Rita called her bluff, "You never give a home luxury experience Ike this. What are you asking for?"

Lori cleared her throat, "Mom, Dad, we were thinking about a camping trip with our friends."

"Yeah, can we?! Can we?!" Lynn jumped.

"We've literally been everywhere in the city the past few days," Lori said, "We just figured now might be a good change of pace."

Leni agreed, "Yeah! A camping trip will definitely help our friends change our paces!"

Rita cringed at the sound of that line, "You know I was very hesitant, but Leni, you do have a good point. Ok, I'll get us some time off for our trip."

"Yay!" Leni hugged Rita, "Thank you thank you thank you-"

"Ok! Ok! Hey, STOP!" Rita pushed Leni off before she could hug too deeply, "Leni, you're almost 18! You cannot hug like that!"

"But that's how my coworker hugs me. I thought it felt nice."

Luna and Luan giggled and made inaudible singing riffs. Lori, Lynn, and Lisa were so captivated by Leni's words that they ended up slapping each other's foreheads. Everyone else ignored that awkwardness and cheered for their sudden victory.

Everyone except Lincoln and Lucy. They were inspired by Leni to mold the camping trip into a story slaughterfest. Once bedtime was called, the two had fun planning in his room.

"Oh man, that's diabolical!" Lincoln laughed, "I'm gonna die so that you and Leni can gorge me into a fancy restaurant for cannibals!"

"Not as diabolical as your torture porn cabaret," Lucy said, "You've become a bad influence. I couldn't be any prouder."

"Why thank you, my bewitching princess of darkness," Lincoln playfully bowed.

"Though, I don't think the Luna-rape story would work."

"Huh? Why's that?"

"She's not the submissive type," Lucy pondered, "She comes out of a concert, and five guys try to gang rape her. Her."

And Lincoln pictured Luna doing multiple leg scissors around her captors until they were pinned down and drained of energy...

("You're lucky I got my flow going, so you 'men' are gonna keep it going, else I'm gonna stop your flow permanently. Get it? Good. Now, f—k me before you lose an eyeball.")

"...that could actually happen," Lincoln shuddered.

"So," Lucy pulled him to her level to get him out of his fantasy mode, "how are we going to handle the campfire storytelling?"

"Hmm...well, I guess it'd be how bad it is...but what is 'bad'?"

"Well," Lucy thought, "The characters have to be appalling to human sensibilities."

"Ok..." Lincoln built on that, "And it can't be bad in a funny way. It has to be Eye-gougingly bad."

"Full of unnecessary gore."

"And unnecessarily explicit scenes."

"Curse words. Curse words littered all over the place."

"How static does the dialogue have to be to call it atrocious?"

"One word. Straight to the point. Across the entire chapter?"

And they kept at it until Lucy fell asleep.

But Lincoln didn't. In fact, he couldn't sleep at all. He was too excited. So many ideas filled his head about what stories he could tell to quite literally knock them out of their pants, "Oh man, this story puking contest is gonna be a riot! I absolutely cannot wait any longer! I gotta tell Clyde now!"

He was about to grab his walkie-talkie when he remembered how sensitive Clyde was to things that were too crude for his age. He really wanted to bring Clyde along, but he also wanted to give the rest of his family a chance to vent out the frustrations they've built up over the years. Not just them, but everyone they've come into contact with.

"Well, if it made it into my "Why Blank is the Worst Sister ever..." note...then anything goes, I guess," Lincoln shrugged, his decision made, "Clyde's gonna have a seizure when he hears my two cents." He threw two pennies at the window, destroying the glass and letting all the clean air out.

"Ahehem..." Lincoln cleared his throat, took in a gigantic gulf of air, and made sure that everyone had the absolute freedom to draw upon whatever source they saw fit, "FUCK ASS BITCH SHIT TWAT WHORE PUSSY CUNT COCK CUCK CUSS BASTARD PRICK BALLS SLUT-" lung recharge "-DICK FUCKER COCK SUCKER ASSCUNT HORSESHIT TWADDLEFUCK PEDANTIC HORSE SCHLOCK MOTHER OF ALL FUCKERS-" Activates a megaphone "-**BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH**!"

All at once, picture frames from every house in the block dropped to the floor and shattered.

"Boo-yah," Lincoln nodded in satisfaction, "Now, it _has_ to be rated M." And with that, he finally fell asleep.

Right at the instant when Clyde fainted from hearing his best friend's outlandish rant.


	2. Challenge Accepted!

As the week went on, the Loud family got to work on their most exciting trip yet. While the parents arranged to take the Friday off, the siblings spread the word about their camping trip turned story contest.

Royal Woods High School had an easy time garnering eager participants...

Mandee: "Yeah, why not?"

Beatrix: "Well, I just got my acceptance letter to Harvard...Sure! I got time!"

Maggie: "A camping trip that's trying to make me puke more than those preps? Sure, whatever."

Carol: "I'm bringing my little brother. Because he needs to grow up, and I think these stories will do the trick."

Whitney: "I don't know. I might go if Luna and Sam can tolerate the-"

Sam: "Luna and I just got five guys to puke with our story! I am going for sure!"

Whitney: "Dangit, I'll go..."

Benny: "Is Luan going? I don't want her to get _two tents _with me, hahaha! But seriously, I'm in!"

Middle school encountered the most resistance...

Cici: "Can't. I'm going to China for a family reunion."

Chandler: "Well, if Larry's proposing that...eh, I don't see the harm."

Clyde: "YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?!...Well, if I'm gonna hear stuff like that when I'm older...Dr. Lopez? I'm gonna be out for a week..."

Haiku: "I have very refined tastes when it comes to literary work. You foul my presence with your contest. Begone."

Renee: "Well...I guess..."

Girl Jordan: "I'm fine with the urban camping grounds, thanks."

Elementary school had more people than they would've liked...and that's all that needed to be said about that.

When the date was confirmed and the attendance list was received, which included the Santiagos, every member of the Loud family set to work on their own stories, drawing inspiration from their personal collection of literary and visual works. Not Lincoln or Lucy; Lincoln went everywhere, even into the deepest, darkest places, while Lucy went nowhere...not even her journal.

Finally, the camping trip came. The family made it to the forest safely. All their friends got to the campsite after the Louds set up the tents, and then everyone got in on the outdoor merriment. Three hours were spent on river roughhousing, Woods wandering, camp food gorging, and star gossiping.

And then...late in the evening, when the bonfire was the brightest...story time.

When the parents went to sleep, everyone else was gathered by the fire, sitting in nestled logs surrounding a single dir mound.

Lincoln set foot in the center and addressed the crowd, "Ladies and gentlemen! Thank you for coming to our first...probably our only...Camping Extravaganza! As you already know, the campfire is a very sacred time reserved for captivating stories. Well tonight, we're going to flip that notion on its head!" Everyone clapped for him. Then, he continued, "My family has issued a challenge to all of you: tell the most vomit-inducing story you can muster. Make us cringe into oblivion with you deliberate lack of critical comprehension!"

"Kinda like you at the student body president election?" Chandler quipped.

"Ohohoho, worse," Lincoln approached him with an evil grin, "It has to be much, much worse than that political babble I coughed up on the debate stage."

Clyde was so shaken by that condition that he took Lori and Bobby's hands.

"Really?" Maggie scoffed, "And What's worse than your asinine trip-and-fall routine?" She was nagged by Luan, who warned her of something she wouldn't want to know.

"Yeah, I kinda wanna know, too," Bobby said, "For all this talk about horrible stories, What's that even mean?"

"And what is considered 'bad' to be bad?" Becky asked.

"Yeah, we all have different ideas of gross, you know," Ronnie Anne added.

Lincoln patted his elbow, "Well, it just so happens that I have prepared a story that will give you...an idea... of what I'm looking for."

"Oh," Lola leaned against Lori, "This'll be good."

"Can't wait till this blows over," Lynn mumbled.

"Oh, just listen up and see where I'm going," Lincoln commenced initiation of the Gag Fiction contest by submitting a sample of his own work. Little did he know that the story he would weave before their eyes would set the bar very low...high...meh.

**—STORY MODE ON—**

Lincoln used the rule of unwanted remakes and the rule of character's character assassination to mold his story. He told of another him who was so in love with his stuffed bunny that he called it off with Ronnie Anne and declared his love for Bun-bun. This resulted in a very unsettling montage of shared moments, including the one thing that made his listeners drop their jaws in shock...a song.

The Lincoln in Lincoln's story held Bun-bun high in the air, and the two began twirling around the room,

while singing..._"Oh baby,_ _They may call me a fool,_"

He started dancing with Bun-bun, _"But I can't help our gravitational pull._"

At one point, he was swinging along, giving his bunny- _"When I stuff you with cotton candy,_ _It reminds me you're so sweet._"

And on a roller coaster- _"When we go riding, it's dandy,_ _The way you hang on to the seat!" _And down they go! _"Bay-ay-ay-by!_"

Then, when they were playing in a sandbox in a park, _"When I'm with you,_ _our__ love is stronger than glue._"

'Lincoln' saw two kids cosplaying as Ace Savvy and Card Countess. "Whoa!" He momentarily considered joining them, "OH BABY!"

But he went back to sand castle building, _"There isn't anything_-" brief clenching of the fists "There's nothing in the world!"Back to the bunny _"-I wouldn't do..."_

He reached for another pair of sand and poured it _"for youuuuuu-_" He noticed the two kids run off with Bun-bun "-Hey! Let go of her, you rabbit eaters!" He shouted while chasing after them, but he really lost his mind when he saw Bun-bun being tossed into a bouncy house full of kids.

"NO! GET AWAY!" And this was where all those minutes he spent in the dark side of thrillers and psychological horrors came to fruition, as 'Lincoln' went on a rampage against- "HAAIIIII-" the first kid "-YA!" The second kid "HIYA!" The parents "WHOOOOAAAAAA-CHAA!" Jump over a slide "HIYAAA!" Plow into two more "HIYA-YAAAAAAAA!" Beating the ever living crud out of everyone in the park "WAH! TAH! CHI-CHA-PAH! CHA! WAH!" Bicycle kick "WA-KA-WA-PA-YAH!" Ground stomp "TAH!" Graphic Fatality "AYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAA!"

He ran to his beloved bunny's side, tending to its dirtied fur, "Bun-bun! You okay, sweetoms?!"

He grabbed it and hugged, _"I'm sooooooo sorry!"_

Hold the bunny out in front _"I'll never let you out of my sight again,_ _a__nd I'll always keep you out of harm's-" _on his knees holding it up to the sky "_waaaaay-yayyyyyy!_"

Then, by merciful transition of the sun, they were back in the bedroom. 'Lincoln' was sitting on the bed cuddling with Bun-bun, "_Oh baby, I love you so strong._ _That's why I'm singing this song."_

And then, he gave it a big squeezing hug... and then started to...hump it...while holding up a pair of horns... "_**BAY-AY-AY-BY**!_"

Then, swinging the bunny while skipping down the stairs, "_Your looks are sweeter than honey! __From your stitches to your clothes,_ _It ain't even funnyyyyyy_AAAAAAAAAAAAOH!"

He found a mob outside and ran into the basement, while the mob pulled out their assault weapons and fired on the entire house! He noticed that he had accidentally dropped the bunny in the dining room.

"I'm coming for you!" While his family was getting shot to bloody kingdom come, 'Lincoln' was dodge rolling all over the place until he got Bun-bun to safety, "Oh no! Look at you!"

He ducked under the table and dusted it off, "Don't worry, Bun-bun. I'll take care of this!" He sowed on a new purple shirt.

"There you go!" He sighed in relief as the gunfire stopped. He then proceeded to place it in front of the family portrait... and the red splats.

_"All better."_

And just as an added touch of cringe, _"Oh bae-by..."_

The story progressed to a picnic, then to Gus's Games and Grub, where he finally realized that Bun-bun was just a stuffed animal and...ahem, QUARTERED THE POOR BUNNY AS A FORM OF CLOSURE! And then he just went along playing in the arcade _like nothing shockingly strange ever happened_!!!!

**—STORY MODE OFF—**

"The...unadulterated end," Lincoln ended it there, with half the crowd was giggling nonstop, and the other half was just speakless.

Surprisingly, Chandler was among the aghast, right along with Clyde.

"Dude...my innocence..." Clyde muttered.

"I need to dunk myself in a full vat of filth just to cleanse myself of this filth," Chandler agreed.

"I think that was the point," Lucy fought off her giggling long enough to get her point across, "We're trying to make a bad story, after-" and she's gone "-Hahahahahaaa!"

"Of course, you would laugh..." Lola was creeped out by Lucy...but even more creeped out by Lori, Luan, and Benny scooting away from Sam, Leni and Bobby, and Ronnie Anne, "Alright, what did you drink?!"

Whitney had to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing, but Lynn's uncontrollable laughter made her lose her mind. And made Lisa, Lana, Darcy, Liam, and Carol's brother lose all skin color.

"I think that oughta satisfy your curiosity," Lincoln nodded in...triumph? "But don't relax just yet," There's _more_? "Because this special campfire story challenge involves all of you! I want you all to create your most stomach-acid-regurgitating stories!"

"The hell?! Our stories have to be worse than that?!" Chandler yelped before whispering in Clyde's ear, "Methinks the boy's really lost it..."

"Not really," Clyde responded, "What's considered bad is different for each person."

"Oh, great..." Darcy whined, "As if I don't have enough nightmares already, now you want me to make more?..."

"It's a daunting challenge, indeed," Lisa scooted to Darcy's side, "I don't think it's possible for one person to undertake such a task."

"Amen to that," Sam took Luna's hand, "I think we need to look inward."

"I'm with you, Sam," Luna said.

Lincoln got excited as all the campgoers partnered up, "Well, Are we doing a 2-for-1 challenge?" Everyone nodded in agreement. "Then, it's settled. Everyone will pair up and create the most gag worthy story they can muster!"

"Actually, I already have one," Lucy interrupted, "so no thank you for me."

"Really?" Renee piqued, "Maybe you can give me some pointers, then?"

"Sigh...if I must..."

"Oh, you're gonna want to," Lincoln continued, "for I have in my hand..." then he flipped a golden card over his back and caught it with his eyes closed, "...a $550 Game-n-Grub card good for any arcade in Royal Woods!"

"Pffttt," Lola scoffed, "I've seen better glitter in Lucy's coffin." She froze when she felt the very heavy breathing creeping on her neck, "Do I even wanna-"

"ANY ARCADE!?" A shout wealthy enough to shake the forest...

"Yes...any arcade..." Lincoln crawled out of the tent he crashed through thanks to the unified shout, "and I'm not participating...Hey-Whoa..."

As soon as he steadied himself, everyone had scattered with their story buddies to conjure up a narrative worthy of the golden card.

Even Chandler seemed on board, working with Clyde to make an entry, "I honestly didn't think he had it in him."

"How long have you two been rivals now?"

"I'm just saying, without the proper motivation-"

"Yeah, I rather you not go there..."

Lori went to Bobby (of course), but Ronnie Anne decided to turn to Leni for any possible zany randomness. Lola clung to Lana, who crawled to Whitney for any insight into puberty. Luan went with Benny into the dark side of humor. Lucy taught Renee and Beatrix all she knew about telling a story. And everyone else gathered round the fire to brainstorm their own entries in the contest.

Lincoln poked his head out of the fire and surveyed the wondrous scene that laid before him. "Huh...this is a first...Little kids teaching big kids and big kids critiquing little kids...looks like we're gonna have our hands full," he smiled...

...and then realized what he was standing behind, "Oh, fire, right..." Take two: Evil Lincoln, "...looks like I'll have my hands full. Welcome to Hell, my pretties! **WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA**!!!!!!!!!"


	3. Lucy's Story

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...my story...contrary to popular belief, I did not throw any effort in this story. I only used the most basic of all primitive level thinking...actually, that's not true either, because I conjured my story in 30 seconds. And I present the fruits of my labor..."

**—STORY MODE ON—**

With LEGO Movie 2 out, I gusss I'll do this! Since The show is NOT AWESOME! Get it?!

Lori: Everything's not awesome...

Lana: Everything's not cool.

Lola:I am so depressed...

Me: Everything's not awesome...

Luan:Woah! I think I finally get...Radiohead...

Luna:Bro, you should try out Elliot Smith...

Rita:What's the Point? There's no hope, Awesomeness was a pipe dream...

Lynn Sr:Aye, me spirits be at the Bottom of the sea...

Lynn Jr:Loves not real. I just want to eat carbs pass the Ice cream...

Lisa:Ice creams not a thing you can fill emotional voids with...

Lincoln: Yeah. Everything's not awesome! Loud House is cancelled. That's for the dough, bitches. Bye...

Lincoln leaves. Everyone frowns.

**—STORY MODE OFF—**

"The end."

Uhhhh...What?


End file.
